someone help? anyone.

what're you supposed to do when you're like me. it takes FOREVER to get over someone. no matter how fast they can get over me. spencer: it's taking about 2 years. jimmy: it's taking ... well it's been 7 months.
so what am i supposed to do? because my heart is telling me to hold on but my head is saying i need to let go. but i can't. there's just so much i haven't said. or maybe i have said it just not enough. what am i supposed to do when EVERYTHING reminds me of them? even my friends...
i just feel like it's a waste of my time to even think about... but it's ALL i think about. i can't stop. and i dont know what it is about them. they hooked me.
i don't think i've ever done this to anyone. i'm not that great of a catch to begin with. ya know? i'm mentally insane. jealous. i push people away. not the pretty. the usual. and maybe that's why people can get over me so quickly. all i know is that i'm freaking out.

best friends forever my ass.

"i've been a walking heartache, i've made a mess of me. the person that i've been lately.. ain't who i wanna be" that fucking line. gets me everytime. even thinking it, typing it, THINKING OF TYPING IT... drops my stomach instantly and the tears start to role.
i hate having emotions. the kids in my schools used to call me the girl with no emotions..and i LIKED that. i liked being known for being unbreakable. it made me feel strong. right now im feeling weak and breakable. im fragile and for so long ive been unshatterable that people dont realize im so vulnerable right now. of COURSE they wouldnt know because half the people i know aren't on adderall.... FUCK i dont even know how to spell that. oh well... i dONT really give a fuck.
im so stressed.
i just want to go into a comma for a while. is that bad?

shyt.

everyone is slowly but surely pissing me off. and i mean EVERYONE. what's wrong with me?

i can't find a SINGLE person who isn't pissing me off right now. i'm honestly done. with everyone.
i would ask to switch schools.. but i think continents is a more suitable option.

i started medicine.. and i hate it. yeah it makes me more attentive but it makes me care. and im so used to not caring that i cant handle all this fucking emotion.

i used to not care about anything...and it was nice. it made me feel safe... but now i feel vulnerable and scared. and guess what.. i have no one to talk to about it.. because EVERYONE'S FUCKING ANNOYING AS SHIT.

i used to be the person who never complained...and i wanna get back to that.. but i need someone to vent to. anyone out there? i need a stranger who doesnt give a fuck.

fuuuuuuuck, im suuuuuch a buuuuuuuum.

so all of a sudden im BASICALLY cut out of the picture.
i guess i really wasnt ever part of the picture but it still hurts. ya know?

im so done trying to be friends with people i HONESTLY dont give a shit about.
it gets tiring. and its like...why even bother?

schoool is chill. the classes are sort of easy...but playing catch up is SO difficult. last year was definitely the best.

i keep lookin out my window hoping he'll be there...but he's not...

CSI:NY, CSI:MIAMI, BONES.

im tired.

WHAP

my first day was a bust. i hate my classes and emma isn't here.
i love acting1 surprisingly. and french2 seems like its gonna be easier...kinda?
idk. my mom's being a bitch lately and it's so NOT helping. she says, "i'm totally open to helping you but it seems like you don't want my help..." its like shes on frikkin replay or something. obviously you can tell i dont want your help..so why are you trying to help me? i hate when she treats me like i cant do things on my own.
its like..hunny i CAN i just choose not to because you're ALL up on my jock..ya know?
WHAP can suck deeeez nuts. bahah. i had 15 pages of notes on the first night?! fuck no. *SWITCH OUT*
my mom's bein HELLA sketch about how she's "helping me" with my 'issues'...ummm TELL ME WHAT YOU MEAN CRAZY PANTS.
im SO tired but i can NOT sleep..for the life of me.
well im sure i could..i just dont want to. plus i need to clean my room more.
im gonna go do that. because i need to.

back to school. gross.

anyone else TOTALLY done being treated like a four year old? i swear my parents think i dont know the rules.
i know the rules...i just decide to break them.

summer's over. not that i did much of anything anyways. but it sucks having to wake up early and go to bed early.

i got cut from volleyball..and im assuming its because i have a horrible attitude.
bitches; im witty. suck it up and accept the fact that if you tell me that i need to do something better or that im "too skinny" im gonna have a come-back. idgaf if you're 32 or not.

i got a mac! best thing OF MY LIFE. ever. except i STILL dont look good on photobooth.


ILIKEHIM.
he's so cute. (:

dude...fml

im in a pickle. and its not even dill.; no boys. no schoolwork. no sports. what should i be doing right now?! 

summer was a bust. i didnt do a damn thing. i went to UTAH. didnt get to see emma. i fought with LITERALLY every single one of my friends.

ive gone to the pool thrice...and ive used my neighbors pool likee...4 times.

when do you know its the 'right time'...i recently had an opportunity to lose the big v. no, no i didnt...but i thought.. "i really like this kid..why not?" obviously because we arent married, have children nor are we in looooove..but at the time...it seemed like..the BEST idea. i dont regret not doing it...and i dont think i would have regretted it if i had...but how do you know? i thought i knew..and then i didnt...and it made everything confusing...

this Thanksgiving...i had planss. and now i dont. /: hmph. i honestly dont even know why.
the only thing i have to look forward to is a possible trip to Florida during SB with this ginggg at my school...Puyo. and christmas obviously...but thats like 5 months away! 

guys...anyone else actually excited for school to start? i neeeeeed something to do. 

FUCK. i have no motivation for getting good grades. the deal was i get good grades and i can miss two days of school and thanksgiving to be in AZ...so now that im not going to AZ....why get amazing grades?!?

/: oy vey.
for my birthday my mother and dearest step-father, Shawn, got me a 450$ purity ring...WTF?!

and my daddy and wicked step-mother got me a tv for my rooooom (:
i uh...didnt get LITERALLY anything else...its a weird feeling. it doesnt bug me that i didnt get more presents...but it does...not because im materialistic..but because it shows that im growing up /: and that is NOT something i look forward to.

ive been 15 for like...almost a month and im nervous to get my permit. im nervous i'll fail the test...but even more im nervous i'll PASS it. i hate the idea of driving. its so scary. i dont want to grow up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPkv23Rch98