Saturday, October 29, 2011

i hate shawn. i can say that freely because no one readss this. and honestly...this is the only place i can say WHATEVER i want. in 160 characters...

Saturday, October 22, 2011

i'm sick of people not caring. but i'm not sick enough to do anything about it.

Monday, October 17, 2011


i have interest in nothing lately. tumblr? nope. facebook? nope. skype? nope. twitter? nope.
literally nothing. i don't even want to be on here.. i just don't know where else to go. 
nothing's private anymore. and that's exactly what i need. privacy.
my room isn't even private anymore. people just barge in whenever the fuck they feel like it. no. that doesn't fly with me.
i'm just gonna go back to bottling everything up. sure, it might take a while.. but it'll happen. 
i'm re-creating myself. and it's going to be amazing. i'm going to be exactly who I want to be and not who Lisa wants me to be or who Jimmy wants me to be.
that's going to take even longer because first.. i need to figure out who i am. 
where do i even start? i would get a drastic hair cut but i've been working really hard on getting my hair long.. and it's still not long enough.
i'd start with my clothes, but that takes money that i don't have.
i'd start with my room, but Lisa would never let me do what i want to do with it. 
i'd start with my personality but that would change my friends and i love my friends. sort of.
whatever. i'll start with…my routine. i need a better, healthier, more productive routine. 

Thursday, October 13, 2011

no lies, no wrongs.

finally! things are looking up! i finally feel like i can bring my grades up and that everything is going to be a-okay. emma visiting was JUST the pick-me-up i needed. (:
phew! i got a 101% on my last french quiz! i'm TOO pumped. i now have a B in that class! i mean.. it's not an A... but it's not a D!
now time to raise my AP World History grade. /: hmph. it'll happen. it will.
all the drama is like..finally behind me. i have my shit figured out. at least.. that's how i feel right now.
i'm genuinely happy when the sun's up. but i feel like once the sun sets and the moon and the stars are out.. i go to a dark place. i just have to figure out why. BLAH.

so since emmmmmy left i wont be hanging out with thomas and jeremy much... hmmmm. what to do what to do. i like jeremy.. i think? i like his lips for sure (; damn. well. just something to put my mind on since i'm officially not worrying about all this kid shit. YAY.

of course... my parents are fucking idiots who don't give a shit if i feel happy or not. and tonight's parent-teacher-conferences so i can GUARANTEE that i get yelled at tomorrow. oh well. just take it till i have a's and b's.


Saturday, October 8, 2011

someone help? anyone.

what're you supposed to do when you're like me. it takes FOREVER to get over someone. no matter how fast they can get over me. spencer: it's taking about 2 years. jimmy: it's taking ... well it's been 7 months.
so what am i supposed to do? because my heart is telling me to hold on but my head is saying i need to let go. but i can't. there's just so much i haven't said. or maybe i have said it just not enough. what am i supposed to do when EVERYTHING reminds me of them? even my friends...
i just feel like it's a waste of my time to even think about... but it's ALL i think about. i can't stop. and i dont know what it is about them. they hooked me.
i don't think i've ever done this to anyone. i'm not that great of a catch to begin with. ya know? i'm mentally insane. jealous. i push people away. not the pretty. the usual. and maybe that's why people can get over me so quickly. all i know is that i'm freaking out.

Friday, September 30, 2011

best friends forever my ass.

"i've been a walking heartache, i've made a mess of me. the person that i've been lately.. ain't who i wanna be" that fucking line. gets me everytime. even thinking it, typing it, THINKING OF TYPING IT... drops my stomach instantly and the tears start to role.
i hate having emotions. the kids in my schools used to call me the girl with no emotions..and i LIKED that. i liked being known for being unbreakable. it made me feel strong. right now im feeling weak and breakable. im fragile and for so long ive been unshatterable that people dont realize im so vulnerable right now. of COURSE they wouldnt know because half the people i know aren't on adderall.... FUCK i dont even know how to spell that. oh well... i dONT really give a fuck.
im so stressed.
i just want to go into a comma for a while. is that bad?

Thursday, September 29, 2011


everyone is slowly but surely pissing me off. and i mean EVERYONE. what's wrong with me?

i can't find a SINGLE person who isn't pissing me off right now. i'm honestly done. with everyone.
i would ask to switch schools.. but i think continents is a more suitable option.

i started medicine.. and i hate it. yeah it makes me more attentive but it makes me care. and im so used to not caring that i cant handle all this fucking emotion.

i used to not care about anything...and it was nice. it made me feel safe... but now i feel vulnerable and scared. and guess what.. i have no one to talk to about it.. because EVERYONE'S FUCKING ANNOYING AS SHIT.

i used to be the person who never complained...and i wanna get back to that.. but i need someone to vent to. anyone out there? i need a stranger who doesnt give a fuck.