i hate shawn. i can say that freely because no one readss this. and honestly...this is the only place i can say WHATEVER i want. in 160 characters...

i'm sick of people not caring. but i'm not sick enough to do anything about it.

reincarnated.

i have interest in nothing lately. tumblr? nope. facebook? nope. skype? nope. twitter? nope.

literally nothing. i don't even want to be on here.. i just don't know where else to go. 

nothing's private anymore. and that's exactly what i need. privacy.

my room isn't even private anymore. people just barge in whenever the fuck they feel like it. no. that doesn't fly with me.

i'm just gonna go back to bottling everything up. sure, it might take a while.. but it'll happen. 

i'm re-creating myself. and it's going to be amazing. i'm going to be exactly who I want to be and not who Lisa wants me to be or who Jimmy wants me to be.

that's going to take even longer because first.. i need to figure out who i am. 

where do i even start? i would get a drastic hair cut but i've been working really hard on getting my hair long.. and it's still not long enough.

i'd start with my clothes, but that takes money that i don't have.

i'd start with my room, but Lisa would never let me do what i want to do with it. 

i'd start with my personality but that would change my friends and i love my friends. sort of.

whatever. i'll start with…my routine. i need a better, healthier, more productive routine. 

no lies, no wrongs.

finally! things are looking up! i finally feel like i can bring my grades up and that everything is going to be a-okay. emma visiting was JUST the pick-me-up i needed. (:
phew! i got a 101% on my last french quiz! i'm TOO pumped. i now have a B in that class! i mean.. it's not an A... but it's not a D!
now time to raise my AP World History grade. /: hmph. it'll happen. it will.
all the drama is like..finally behind me. i have my shit figured out. at least.. that's how i feel right now.
i'm genuinely happy when the sun's up. but i feel like once the sun sets and the moon and the stars are out.. i go to a dark place. i just have to figure out why. BLAH.

so since emmmmmy left i wont be hanging out with thomas and jeremy much... hmmmm. what to do what to do. i like jeremy.. i think? i like his lips for sure (; damn. well. just something to put my mind on since i'm officially not worrying about all this kid shit. YAY.

of course... my parents are fucking idiots who don't give a shit if i feel happy or not. and tonight's parent-teacher-conferences so i can GUARANTEE that i get yelled at tomorrow. oh well. just take it till i have a's and b's.

:D

someone help? anyone.

what're you supposed to do when you're like me. it takes FOREVER to get over someone. no matter how fast they can get over me. spencer: it's taking about 2 years. jimmy: it's taking ... well it's been 7 months.
so what am i supposed to do? because my heart is telling me to hold on but my head is saying i need to let go. but i can't. there's just so much i haven't said. or maybe i have said it just not enough. what am i supposed to do when EVERYTHING reminds me of them? even my friends...
i just feel like it's a waste of my time to even think about... but it's ALL i think about. i can't stop. and i dont know what it is about them. they hooked me.
i don't think i've ever done this to anyone. i'm not that great of a catch to begin with. ya know? i'm mentally insane. jealous. i push people away. not the pretty. the usual. and maybe that's why people can get over me so quickly. all i know is that i'm freaking out.

best friends forever my ass.

"i've been a walking heartache, i've made a mess of me. the person that i've been lately.. ain't who i wanna be" that fucking line. gets me everytime. even thinking it, typing it, THINKING OF TYPING IT... drops my stomach instantly and the tears start to role.
i hate having emotions. the kids in my schools used to call me the girl with no emotions..and i LIKED that. i liked being known for being unbreakable. it made me feel strong. right now im feeling weak and breakable. im fragile and for so long ive been unshatterable that people dont realize im so vulnerable right now. of COURSE they wouldnt know because half the people i know aren't on adderall.... FUCK i dont even know how to spell that. oh well... i dONT really give a fuck.
im so stressed.
i just want to go into a comma for a while. is that bad?

shyt.

everyone is slowly but surely pissing me off. and i mean EVERYONE. what's wrong with me?

i can't find a SINGLE person who isn't pissing me off right now. i'm honestly done. with everyone.
i would ask to switch schools.. but i think continents is a more suitable option.

i started medicine.. and i hate it. yeah it makes me more attentive but it makes me care. and im so used to not caring that i cant handle all this fucking emotion.

i used to not care about anything...and it was nice. it made me feel safe... but now i feel vulnerable and scared. and guess what.. i have no one to talk to about it.. because EVERYONE'S FUCKING ANNOYING AS SHIT.

i used to be the person who never complained...and i wanna get back to that.. but i need someone to vent to. anyone out there? i need a stranger who doesnt give a fuck.

fuuuuuuuck, im suuuuuch a buuuuuuuum.

so all of a sudden im BASICALLY cut out of the picture.
i guess i really wasnt ever part of the picture but it still hurts. ya know?

im so done trying to be friends with people i HONESTLY dont give a shit about.
it gets tiring. and its like...why even bother?

schoool is chill. the classes are sort of easy...but playing catch up is SO difficult. last year was definitely the best.

i keep lookin out my window hoping he'll be there...but he's not...

CSI:NY, CSI:MIAMI, BONES.

im tired.

WHAP

my first day was a bust. i hate my classes and emma isn't here.
i love acting1 surprisingly. and french2 seems like its gonna be easier...kinda?
idk. my mom's being a bitch lately and it's so NOT helping. she says, "i'm totally open to helping you but it seems like you don't want my help..." its like shes on frikkin replay or something. obviously you can tell i dont want your help..so why are you trying to help me? i hate when she treats me like i cant do things on my own.
its like..hunny i CAN i just choose not to because you're ALL up on my jock..ya know?
WHAP can suck deeeez nuts. bahah. i had 15 pages of notes on the first night?! fuck no. *SWITCH OUT*
my mom's bein HELLA sketch about how she's "helping me" with my 'issues'...ummm TELL ME WHAT YOU MEAN CRAZY PANTS.
im SO tired but i can NOT sleep..for the life of me.
well im sure i could..i just dont want to. plus i need to clean my room more.
im gonna go do that. because i need to.

back to school. gross.

anyone else TOTALLY done being treated like a four year old? i swear my parents think i dont know the rules.
i know the rules...i just decide to break them.

summer's over. not that i did much of anything anyways. but it sucks having to wake up early and go to bed early.

i got cut from volleyball..and im assuming its because i have a horrible attitude.
bitches; im witty. suck it up and accept the fact that if you tell me that i need to do something better or that im "too skinny" im gonna have a come-back. idgaf if you're 32 or not.

i got a mac! best thing OF MY LIFE. ever. except i STILL dont look good on photobooth.


ILIKEHIM.
he's so cute. (:

dude...fml

im in a pickle. and its not even dill.; no boys. no schoolwork. no sports. what should i be doing right now?! 

summer was a bust. i didnt do a damn thing. i went to UTAH. didnt get to see emma. i fought with LITERALLY every single one of my friends.

ive gone to the pool thrice...and ive used my neighbors pool likee...4 times.

when do you know its the 'right time'...i recently had an opportunity to lose the big v. no, no i didnt...but i thought.. "i really like this kid..why not?" obviously because we arent married, have children nor are we in looooove..but at the time...it seemed like..the BEST idea. i dont regret not doing it...and i dont think i would have regretted it if i had...but how do you know? i thought i knew..and then i didnt...and it made everything confusing...

this Thanksgiving...i had planss. and now i dont. /: hmph. i honestly dont even know why.
the only thing i have to look forward to is a possible trip to Florida during SB with this ginggg at my school...Puyo. and christmas obviously...but thats like 5 months away! 

guys...anyone else actually excited for school to start? i neeeeeed something to do. 

FUCK. i have no motivation for getting good grades. the deal was i get good grades and i can miss two days of school and thanksgiving to be in AZ...so now that im not going to AZ....why get amazing grades?!?

/: oy vey.
for my birthday my mother and dearest step-father, Shawn, got me a 450$ purity ring...WTF?!

and my daddy and wicked step-mother got me a tv for my rooooom (:
i uh...didnt get LITERALLY anything else...its a weird feeling. it doesnt bug me that i didnt get more presents...but it does...not because im materialistic..but because it shows that im growing up /: and that is NOT something i look forward to.

ive been 15 for like...almost a month and im nervous to get my permit. im nervous i'll fail the test...but even more im nervous i'll PASS it. i hate the idea of driving. its so scary. i dont want to grow up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPkv23Rch98

godd!

i have a SERIOUS dilemma. it is a NO BUENO situation. like..this is gonna make or break me as a person.

the worst part? i cant go to my best friends about it.

um jess...?

you're reading my blog while you're in the same room as me? sketch.
i love you. BAhahaha.

umm...i hate hanging out with you and haley...hahaha i dont know what you guys are talking about at ALL.

(: <3

can we hang out just me you meghan colleen gia...parker(;...yadayadayada...like next week? i miss not being here. hahaha

okay. well..halloween, you haley and me...yes. im not taking no for an answer.

bye. (:

/:

my day has just been so sucky.; i hate being here, in springfield. its so pointless.

i just need to break down. i havent legit cried in days, and its building up....SO annoying.

ugh. i like him so much....its kind of sickening. cuz everytime...it gets ruined. i ruin everything.; ya know how in ghosts of girlfriends past..he learns something from every ex...and on Greek, Rebecca and Dale ask their exes why they didnt work out? yeah...i thought about it and none of my relationships work out because of me...i lie and i get way too over-protective...and it sucks...because im a jealous person by nature..so i cant exactly change how i react...and i dont wanna ruin this one...

i wish

i could go home.
i could be home for my birthday.
for world peace.
my parents would get off my jock. (YOU WISH I WAS ON YOUR JOCK)
that i had more freedom.
that everything in life was a-okay.
that my best friend hadn't moved.
i had never switched to brentwood.
i had never gone to ladue.
i could go to a private school.
my life was easier.

i love:
my mom.
my dad.
my sisters.
my bestfriend who moved away.

im grateful:
that i moved to brentwood.
that i moved to ladue.
that my parents are so strict.
for my family's sacrifices.

all in all...sure, i'd love to change certain thing in my life...but at the same time...the things that i want to change so desperately are the things that shape me.<3

life

is oreos, dunked in plain milk. life is your favorite pair of jeans that never stop fitting. life is your nails growing and painting them the perfect color. life is the grass growing outside and the sun rising every morning. life is your little sisters healthy and breathing upstairs. life is your favorite show on Netflix so that you can watch it whenever you want. 

life is all the simple things..and taking into full consideration how if one changed, it could crush your mood.

life is perfectly okay right now, no matter how shitty some situations are. because i have oreos, to dip in my plain milk and i have a favorite pair of jeans for everyday of the week. i have healthy, spirit-filled little sisters and the grass is still growing.

i dont know guys.

summer isn't supposed to be like this; stressful and tiring. and i dont know how much more i can take of it!
is it wrong that im HOPING the rest of my summer flies by? /: yeah..i thought so too.

it's not that i'm not happy for her..because i totally am..i just wish we talked more. it seems like he's so needy..and that's the only reason i'm not hurt or offended when she tells me she has to go..it's not that big of a deal but..i can only handle so much /:

to top it all off..i have "work" ?! i get paid to babysit my SISTERS...and trust me...my sisters are **brats**

i do NOT get enough sleep every night..bahaha they say 8 hours minimum...but i get like...3-5 hours every night...not* the best idea. (:

18 DAYS till my birthday.. i can not wait. 

in case anyone was wondering...i want coloring books for my birthday! on a count of i love colorin and all...ha. whatta joke. cuz i dont have a single creative bone in my body..but maybe that's why i want the coloring books? to practice?
nah...i just like coloring(:

off to watch a movie with my lil cousin. <3 All Dogs Go To Heaven

lalala whatever

damn it! tonight i wanted to go see Maroon 5 at The Arch... but no*... why would parents ever let their one and only daughter have ANY fun?! What a dumb question... the answer?; they're CRAZY. oh well.. I'm going to Webster Days instead.

its like... day 4 of no-mo-emz </3
Emma, if you read this...i love you. even if you kinda bitch me out EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE and even if you dont sext me constantly like you promised... i think this is gonna be a lot easier on us than we expected; 4MONTHS16DAYS.

I'm so excited that Jess and Meghan are includin me today though! Meghan is SOO thoughtful and chill... my kinda lady. (NOT ... like that)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzlNFcT2aOE

boo.

Emma, my best friend, just moved to Arizona. I'm shit. I feel* like shit. I LOOK like shit lately. I know it sounds weird but she was basically my life. Not like I have many other friends. I mean..."I have friends, and they have friends, but they have parties...and I'm so awkward"

Haley's in Florida, which just makes this whole 4th of July weekend partying thing suck. Usually she goes to all the dumb 4th of July parties with me and we do sparklers...but not this year...thank you Tim.

Jess is hanging with Meghan all the time...which is TOTALLY understandable because Meghan is tons of fun...but I can't hang out with them because they *GO* places..and those places aren't approved by my parents.

Do you understand how suckish it is to be as old as I am? No freedom. No trust. But oh well...I guess it can only get better from here?

I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do for school next year. I really want to try to convince my parents to let me go to private school for my junior and senior year...but that's a LOT of money that they don't have /:

Fuck my life. Yay America.

<3

hmm.

im more into omegle than i am into facebook.
i..love omegle. its hilarious and soo time consuming.

i love perfect by simple plan.

^that was random.
as was that ^

BACK TO MY POINT..
omegle.
the only bad part is when you video and all those annoying guys that have their...well...YA KNOWS..out. like..GTFOutta here! but no..they feel the need.
i mean..i guess its pretty interesting because you can just yell hilariously rude things at them and..they dont care..at ALL (:
facebook on the other hand..is time consuming and ONLY fun if someone writes on your wall...or pokes you...which..now that i think about it..ISNT ACTUALLY THAT INTERESTING.
there's no actual human interaction with facebook..and it SUCKS.

yet..i still go crawling back. hahaha
oh well..

im tryin not to be lame..

obviously this blog is new. i guess ill start with introducing myself a little. i wouldnt want ya'll to be in the dark (:
im olivia. a freshman. a carnivore. a good listener. a "troubled teen" is how some adults would describe me. i talk. a lot. i hate my school. NO OFFENSE GUYS. ...actually, lots of offense..you're all horrible people. im not emo. i cuss, a lot. (< i guess ill have to keep that on the d-l) my FAVORITE color is purple..and my second choice (for those of you who dont like purple) is green. fer shore..yeah..say it the way its spelled.
i love puns. even though i dont understand them most of the time. i ramble.
most of all, i love poetry, dark chocolate and sappy movies.
i would love to have a boyfriend. not just any boyfriend. i would love to have a boyfriend that i feel comfortable around, and could tell anything to .. without it being weird. one that is sweet. and handsome. i want a handsome boyfriend. not a hot one, not a cute one. no. a handsome one (:
im in love with fairytales.
im probably just gunna rant on the blog..so if anyone actually..ever reads these..yeahhh.